Hoodie weather and a hint of the blues

Good morning friends!

It is truly a picture perfect sunny and 58 degree morning here in Saratoga.  At last!

This has actually been a challenging weather summer with hot, humid and rainy as our norm… great for the plants, but tough on the horseracing (especially the turf horses and handicappers).  B and I have been fine, as we’re still more Virginian than New Yorker, but it is lovely to get a good dose of 100% exactly what we think of when we say “Summer in Saratoga” –  and I think we’re in for a nice stretch here for the final week and a half of the meet.  It is simply spectacular, and it’s just beyond amazing that I am sitting here in my hoodie, sipping my espresso, on my porch … and not on vacation.  Pinch me!

I woke up with a big wave of almost-homesickness for all my beloved peeps in Virginia.  Much to the Maven’s chagrin, I do not adhere to the “no phone in bed” rule, as I find it very comforting to check in on all my loved ones far & near by iphone as I’m waking up to face the day – facebook, insta and a flurry of text help my brain wake up and connect me to those folks I’m thinking of. You know who you are! 🙂

Today I was especially grateful for a bunch of texts from friends back in VA “checking in” on me and sharing little updates from my “old life”.  Among my  many things to reflect on as we come into the Fall of this big year of transition is the process of keeping in touch, and sorting out who will stay with me through this next chapter and accepting who may not.   I am so grateful for each of you who have traveled this path with me – through following the baby blog, on FB, by text, phone or coming to visit.  We are so grateful for the love, support and encouragement of all of you. XXXOO

However, with a hint of autumn in the air I’m caught in a moment of thinking about the idea that “people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime”.  Quite simply, until you make a move, there’s no way to assess who is who.   Having been in the same place for more than 25 years, I simply had no way of knowing how the people in my life would shake out.

Using my dear headspace approach of “noting and letting go” this has been happening in the back of my brain over the course of the summer (often while I’m sleeping and hashed out through dreams).  It catches me in waves and sometimes I wake up a bit sad thinking of the folks who seem to have gently opted out.  And while there’s definitely some pain in recognizing that a chapter has closed, at least for now, with a number of people I really enjoyed knowing and working with and who played a big part in my life I also am working hard not to judge. People are so very, very frantically busy in DC, the hustle is so hard, and honestly, I’ve made choices too… it’s the never-ending dance of relationships to assess, without words, “who is going to make the first move”.  There’s also the fact that my departure from my work world was kind of complicated, to put it gently.  For a host of reasons that I chose to say made sense then, I communicated very little with my professional network about this move.  To many, I’m sure it seemed abrupt and dramatic.  Although those same people who may have been surprised were by definition not true friends, if they didn’t know how much we’d dreamed of this move for years.  (Not judging, it just means we hadn’t reached that point in our friendship). It’s just a weird feeling.  I guess it’s the selfish side of me that simply expected more folks from my work world to reach out (and I’m so appreciative of those who did and continue to do so).   It’s just the ones that don’t keep in touch that you notice… why is that? Shame on me for assuming they would do so by linkedin since I never sent the big “hi, I have news, I’m moving to Saratoga” email to my contacts.  While I heard from a bunch of folks when I announced my new role in May, it’s been pretty much crickets since then. Interesting.  I think that’s the nature of work-friendships. Without a reason to be in touch, no one really has time to just send the “I’m thinking of you, how are you?”. And more importantly, I need to be honest about why I think they should be in touch instead of me.  I think because I moved away they should “miss me”, but maybe they just feel I didn’t care enough to say goodbye.  I guess I find myself wondering alot what they think (and that’s a slipperly slope I’m trying to avoid too). Mostly, I’m trying to realize and accept that most folks I’m thinking of probably don’t think much (about me) at all. It’s OK, it’s just a bit…. hard to put into words.

Looking up and forward, it’s just very validating to realize that I wasn’t ever critical in the role I was playing, so it’s a very, very good thing we finally made the move to land in the place where I’m supposed to be.  As so many friends and loved ones tried to tell me, we are probably/certainly never as indispensable as we think we are – certainly not at work – and we shouldn’t let that feeling of personal responsibility play such a huge role in our decisions.  Oh yes, I hear the irony of my writing this. I know that many, many of you tried to tell me this for a long, long time.   I guess, I’m just saying, with gratitude that I see it more clearly now.  You were right.  While I refuse to regret time spent in service to a community that largely hasn’t noticed my departure, the lack of contact from a huge swath of people does speak volumes.  It’s not bad and they aren’t bad, but it’s definitely humbling to recognize that we are all mostly just supporting cast in the drama of our lives and when we step off stage, our absence is not a big event for most of the audience. I am working hard to not take that the wrong way, and I am very grateful for the experience of my last role because I learned so much and met so many great people in that last role.  I know it sounds lame, but I’m really not actively fishing for reassurance that I mattered.  I really, truly know I was useful and helpful, and most importantly, I know that the people that mattered most to me – and to whom I mattered most – have never wavered. And there’s no expiration date on any of this.  Many who haven’t been in touch may be back one day when the timing is right for us to reconnect. The road is long and winding, who knows when we’ll next cross paths. They may reach out, I may reach out – it’s all about timing, always, isn’t it?

And now, after that little episode of melancholy reflection, back to this one!!

It’s a beautiful day here in Saratoga – the beginning of the big Travers weekend.   I’m heading in to the office this AM for a few hours, then over to the races for an afternoon spent largely in the paddock… one of the loveliest spots in an everso lovely place.

Oh, and while I’m giving up on my daily posts approach to the blog, I am posting at least one (usually more) pic a day for these last 15 days of the summer on Instagram #mavenandmagpie if you want to follow along.

More soon, but big hugs to all and warm wishes that you find just what you’re looking for in the day ahead. Treasure those who treasure you, and make the most of every moment.  The past is the past, the future is unknown, but the present is the gift given to us to enjoy!